The last couple of years have been bitter sweet. It has been characterized by a lot of unexpected, untimed situations that needed to be embraced as the waves tumbled my emotions around. It’s been intense, I wish I would have received a manual to get me through life or at least a letter from my younger self even if it just meant a heads up.
To the girl who looks at life with so much colour,
I wish you knew that one day you will understand that life is complicated. That some people you expected to love you will not always come through. They will find you weak, imperfect and very stubborn. You will try live your life for them, you will drop things and put your life on hold all in the name of love and service but someone else will always be a better version of you. You will never measure up to the standards put forth.
I’ll never be big enough to pay your dues but somehow I keep trying.
– Jussie Smollett (Good Enough Lyrics)
You will break down and that will be thrown to your face as weak and pretentious. For this you will learn to schedule your breakdowns. You will never give anyone the satisfaction of seeing that they actually got to you. You will hold up your face and take anything and everything that is thrown your way. You will be well put together out in the world, in the confinement of your house however; you will find solace and the freedom to be the person that you want to be. You’ll be vulnerable, you’ll be weak, you’ll be strong, you’ll be sensitive, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll even dare to dream of some things, mostly those you feel you have a little control over; like your career.
You will be considered too sensitive and too emotional. This will be too much for the people around you to handle. So they will let you know that you need to change. They will barely understand you. For all the harsh words that will be directed to you, you will take a blow for them, at times you will snap back but mostly you’ll just have to grow a thick skin. You will apologize even when you feel you have done nothing wrong but they won’t take it, but when it’s good for them maybe they will apologize and you will have to take it.
At some point you will one day wake up and realize that they changed you. They will never see just how far they pushed you. They will make you bitter instead of better. You will trust less if not completely, you will depend on less people and never have expectations. As easy as they walked away from you, you will soon learn to have no attachments and keep it moving. You will still care but no one will ever stay long enough to find that out.
You’ll want to meet a great guy, who will love and understand the striking pain you have been caused and love you back to love but your insecurities will be too intense and they will constantly remind you that love hurts. Attachments come with their baggage and you’ll have very little heart to go around. You will miss out and some days all you will want is to be just worthy of love from those around you.
I just want you to look at me and see that I can be what you love. I can be good enough.
– Jussie Smollet (Good Enough Lyrics)
You’ll have to learn to be your biggest cheer leader, you’ll have to be your critic and your support system all at once. This is a lot even for one person, but you’ll figure it out as you go. There are days you will wish you wouldn’t have to live like this but you’ll comprehend that it may be hard but it’s easier. Some days you’ll even joke about it and say;
I sleep peacefully knowing no one out there is cheating on me because am single.
You will learn to say a little less to those you hold dearest especially, not because you don’t love them but because you will not want to hate them for your difference in opinion or them hate you or dislike you even more, you will not want to disgust or irritate them, you will want things to just flow. You will constantly wish they see what they did to you but you’ll keep it deep, hidden and unreachable in your heart.
You will also learn to be very responsible. You will still be dependable to people who choose to still want you to be in their lives. You’ll never loose that and somehow you’ll embrace it because even you name means so. You will host girlfriends for lunch, sleepovers, plan baby showers, birthdays, plan brunch and even company events. You are great at this by the way. You will learn to eat healthy, junk a little because you’ll be by yourself and you don’t want to make doctor trips in the night alone.
One day you will wake up and realize that there is just a lot happening in your life, you will be fighting a lot of battles and in all this you will learn that there is a God. He will mean everything to you. You will learn to speak to him in everything. In good you will praise Him, in bad you will worship him and your trust will solely be on Him.
But they that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles;they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.
Some days you will wake feeling awesomely good and that you can face just about anything in the world. These days, will be really good….. please enjoy them. Some days you will want to question God why he gave you a cup that was not of your choosing, but don’t; just ask Him to give you the grace and strength to come out of it with the lesson He intended for you. These days will be hard, clients will try you and colleagues will test your patience and all you can say is ‘No one will steal my joy’. It won’t always work but most days it will level your blood pressure and that is a good thing. On the brighter side, you will always want to give good service to others, your daily prayer will be to be a blessing to someone and not pass what you handling to someone else, even your enemy.
You will learn how to go down on your knees and just pray, you will read your Bible more often and will enjoy understanding sometimes the same verses but in different dynamics, you will learn the miracles of fasting, you will understand that prayers can be just as comforting as crying. Time to time you will alternate prayer for a cry in the shower. You will learn to even keep a prayer book, this will be your war book. You’ll buy a lot of books; inspiring, poems, novels to just help you understand and add knowledge. Books will become a good companion. You will keep busy not because you really like it but because some stories will be better than yours and it will be good to get carried away for an hour or two every day.
I wish I could tell you now what your next five to ten years will be like, unfortunately I can’t but if I could trust me, even here we wouldn’t be right now. So I can only pray that it will be good. You may not be strong but take comfort that you will have the liberty to be the best authentic version of you ….. sensitive and all. As much as it is your weakness it is your strength. In spite of all they say, remember you may not be perfect but keep telling yourself you are good enough until you can actually believe it.
Every next level of your life will demand a different version of you.
Signed. Sealed. Delivered.
I realize I Ask a lot from this life. I still Believe even when things aren’t looking up. I’ll let you know once I Receive.